Where now? What now?

I really don’t know where to start…I’m so lost. At the beginning of the year I thought I had it all figured out; I would major in photography get an internship in the summer and graduate next spring and go on to find a job.  I should have known that life is never that easy.  My photo classes were not helping me achieve my goals. I wasn’t satisfied at all.  The emphasized fine art photography. That’s not me.

I began a winterim class. Psychology.  In the first couple of days I realized that God was finally shoving something in my face that I had been to dumb to notice while it was just nagging my thoughts.  I love psychology.  And it’s been with me for years now.  I’ve listened to people and strove to be the one that was there for them always no matter what. Over and over again. I want to change my major. This is what I want to do. I loved realizing that. But when reality set in and I began to think about how much longer I would have to be in school for. How am I going to pay for it? I can’t live on my parents money forever.

So here I am at a crossroad.  I can stay on the path I’m going, maybe I’ll get a job as a photographer…or maybe I’ll just end up as some washed-up wannabe photographer working in a mall studio taking photos of babies. Or I can fight for where I want to be; someone that changes lives. Maybe I’ll be that one person that turns someone around. Or saves someone.

To be honest I am helpless. I’m not happy right now. The sense of confidence in my photography passion died a while ago. I have no idea where to go from here.

My Regrets.

The only 2 regrets that come to mind during 2009 are:

1. Not being able to be home for Thanksgiving.

2. Not being able to have my mom’s name announced at the game during parents’ weekend.

Now it’s on to 20doubledigits.

I should be doing one of two things right now…

1. I could be studying.  But thats what I did literally ALL DAY yesterday so I think I could let myself take a break for a bit.

2. I could be sleeping seeing as I got about 4 hours of sleep last night.

But I think I’ll just take this time to be deviant and break the rules of finals week.  Afterall, being a photo student has it’s perks so I only have three finals. Wallow in jealousy.  Go on, do it.

My semester is about to end.  Already.  But at the same time, August seems like it was last week.  But I frequently glimpse outside and realize that is not the case; its the middle of December.  A time when the Mt. Dew on the rim of your pop can will freeze in the apprx. 4 minutes it takes you to walk from the parking lot into MIAD. Yes, true story. Its times like these that further convince me that I do not belong in cold climates.

But now I’m distracting myself.

If you’ve read my blogs fro the past semester you’ll know that it was not an easy one for me.  But I’m a firm believer that “everything happens for a reason” and “if God brings you to it, he’ll lead you through it”.  Yes, I’ve struggled with being away from friends but because of that, they grow more and more important to me everyday.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

I’ve also been reluctant to make many friends here but I don’t regret that.  Jordan’s been there for me, by my side through everything.  Normally it completely goes against who I am to put full dependence in one person, especially a guy.  It scared me at first because I was afraid that one day I would lose him and I would have nothing again. But I can see now that I don’t have to worry about that.  He isn’t going anywhere.  He’s become more than a boyfriend…he’e my friend, my best friend, someone I can honestly say that I love.

Enough of that though…I don’t want this to turn into that kind of post…the one where the girl just goes on and on about how great her boyfriend is and how she loves him and wants to be with him forever…even if that’s true…

But with all these hard times and such I’ve developed a new sort of independence.  I know I can do things away from everything that is familiar.  I know that I can make decisions that will benefit me and my future.  After all, I came here and I’m getting through it and getting used to it.  I wouldn’t want life any other way now.  I can see this place being my home for the next few years.

As for this year, there’s only a little bit of it left. Then comes a new year with new challenges, new memories, new opportunities.  God has certainly blessed me in so many ways this year and I have no doubt that he will continue to do so next year.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
-Jeremiah 29:11

Dear Obnoxiously Closed-Minded Art Curator,

“From today, painting is dead”.  These were the words of the academic painter Paul Delaroche after he first saw the daguerreotype process demonstrated.  This was among one of the earliest photographic processes.  Invented by Louis Jacques Mande Daguerre in 1837, it involved treating silver-plated copper sheets with iodine.  Making them sensitive to light for exposure and development.  This early process was used in it’s day to progress art and science.

Science was the general direction for several photographers after Daguerre.  In 1878, Eadweard Muybridge used high speed stop-motion photography to prove that all four legs of a horse left the ground while it was galloping.  These prints were used solely as motion studies in the field of science. In that same year, an article was published in the Scientific American discussing Muybridge’s work.  It included some of his motion sequences and suggested that readers cut them out and construct a zoetrope from them (device that uses rapid motion to create the illusion of movement out of static images).  To me this is a hint of what is to come; it is an early instance of photography being used for personal enjoyment, similar to how art can be used for visual enjoyment.

Eadweard Muybridge

Harold Edgerton was known for his creatively inventive photography that further documented the science of motion as well as the dynamics of fluids, air currents, and engines.  Although his studies were scientifically based, his images show that he undoubtedly had an artistic eye for aesthetics and composition.  His work blurred the lines between art and science and devoted his career to recording what the unaided eye cannot see.  According to an article written for the Washington Pavilion of Arts and Science in Sioux Falls, SD “his photographs seem to wave a magic wand that stops time and captures realities that are otherwise impossible to see or comprehend”.  Edgerton’s photograph, “Coronet Milk Drop” was featured in the first photography exhibit in the New York Museum of Modern Art in 1937, putting photography’s foot firmly through the door to the art world.

Harold Edgerton

That is the historical and logical progression of photography from science to art.  Anyone can plainly see that photographs can be artistically and aesthetically crafted.  However some people (like the close-minded woman from the Haggarty Museum) refuse to consider photography as an established art medium.  If I was given a chance to present an argument on behalf of photography’s artistic pride I would encourage folks to look back into ancient history…

Greek sculptures are undoubtedly some of the most precise and exquisite pieces from the ancient world.  They are definitely considered to be works of art.  However during their time, sculpture was not used  for artistic purposes; sculptures of gods were meant to honor them.

The architectural artwork that is found in Egypt (such as the Sphinx, ornate sarcophagi, etc) was used purely to honor the dead or to show the wealth of a Pharoh.

Religious icons during the Byzantine Empire were created to help portray saints or Biblical stories.  Now they are displayed in museums as works of art.

My point is that many mediums of art have had their non-artistic beginnings.  Photography began as a scientific tool and is still used in that field today as well as other fields.  It is a great means for journalism, marketing, snapshots, and also art.

It is my personal opinion that when considering the debate about whether photography is art of not, we should also ask ‘is painting (or any other medium) art?’.  Some say that photography is a technology, not art.  Well then isn’t printmaking simply a way to manufacture identical prints? The fact is that almost any other medium has alternate uses other than existing purely as art forms.  The difference between these and photography is that they have been accepted longer than photography.  In fact, in the middle ages, there was a ban on all religious artwork because of the fear that people would begin to worship the piece rather than God.  Traditional mediums are no stranger to critics and I believe than in time, photography will be considered a fine art just as much as traditional practices.

*paper written for my Photographic Problems class.

My Photo Playland

Empire State of Mind

Just thought I would share my new favorite song:
Yeah I’m out that Brooklyn, now I’m down in Tribeca
Right next to Deniro, but I’ll be hood forever
I’m the new Sinatra, and since I made it here
I can make it anywhere, yeah they love me everywhere
I used to cop in Harlem, all of my Dominicano’s
Right there up on Broadway, pull me back to that McDonald’s
Took it to my stashbox, 560 State Strett
Catch me in the kitchen like a Simmons with them pastries
Cruisin’ down 8th Street, off white Lexus
Drivin’ so slow, but BK is from Texas
Me, I’m out that Bed-Stuy, home of that boy Biggie
Now I live on billboard and I brought my boys with me
Say whatup to Ty-Ty, still sippin’ mai tai’s
Sittin’ courtside, Knicks & Nets give me high five
Nigga I be Spike’d out, I could trip a referee
Tell by my attitude that I’m most definitely from…

New York
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothin’ you can’t do
Now you’re in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let’s hear it for New York, New York,
New York

Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game
Shit, I made the Yankee hat more famous then a Yankee can
You should know I bleed blue, but I ain’t a Crip though
But I got a gang of Niggas walkin’ with my clique though
Welcome to the melting pot, corners where we sellin’ rock
Africa Bambata shit, home of the hip-hop
Yellow cab, gypsy cab, dollar cab, holla back
For foreigners it ain’t for they act like they forgot how to act
Eight million stories, out there in it naked
City is a pity, half of y’all won’t make it
Me, I got a plug, Special Ed “I Got It Made”
If Jesus payin’ Lebron, I’m payin’ Dwayne Wade
Three dice cee-lo, three card molly
Labour Day Parade, rest in peace Bob Marley
Statue of Liberty, long live the World Trade
Long live the Kingdome, I’m from the Empire St. that’s

New York
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothin’ you can’t do
Now you’re in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let’s hear it for New York, New York,
New York

Lights is blinding, girls need blinders
So they can step out of bounds quick
The sidelines is, lined with casualties, who sip to life casually
Then gradually become worse, don’t bite the apple leaf
Caught up in the in-crowd, now you’re in style
End of the winter gets cold, en vogue, with your skin out
City of sin, it’s a pity on the wind
Good girls gone bad, the city’s filled with them
Mommy took a bus trip, now she got her bust out
Everybody ride her, just like a bus route
Hail Mary to the city, you’re a virgin
And Jesus can’t save you, life starts when the church end
Came here for school, graduated to the high life
Ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight
MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion
The city never sleeps, better slip you an Ambien

New York
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothin’ you can’t do
Now you’re in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let’s hear it for New York, New York,
New York

One hand in the air for the big city
Streetlights, big dreams, all lookin’ pretty
No place in the world that could compare
Put your lighters in the air
Everybody say “Yeah, Yeah. Yeah, Yeah”

New York
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothin’ you can’t do
Now you’re in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let’s hear it for New York, New York,
New York

I have a secret…

…and I’m going to let you in on it.

I’ve been keeping track of how many days that I feel miserable.

Not the days that I’m simply not happy.

These are the days in which I’m completely miserable…like I can’t wait to be alone because then I can finally let go of all the tears that have been building up.

In the last 20 days, there have been 5 of them.

Thats one quarter.

For the last 20 days, I have been absolutely miserable for one fourth of them.

If this keeps going, it means that for one week every month, I’ll feel 100% unhappy.

And those aren’t even the days in between.

So…

Why is God doing this?!  I feel myself constantly trying to figure out where He is trying to lead me.  But I can’t for the life of my figure it out.  I was so sure this summer.  After New York I thought I had it all figured out;  I was going to do nothing but study this year and get straight As.  I was going to apply for every internship I could to get myself back to New York.  It was going to be me and God….I didn’t have to depend on anyone.

That changed.

Now I’m not sure where I’m headed.  I’d still love to go back to NYC but I’m losing faith in my abilities and talent.  School isn’t helping at all.  I’m not in a writing course and my photography courses [although I really enjoy my Problems class] aren’t doing much to propel my career.  I haven’t produced any “good” work.  And even though I knew I would miss Michigan and everyone there, the separation is absolutely killing me.  Killing me.

I’m running out of options.  I’ve hit a dead end.

Is school even worth it?

If I gave up now would the outcome in the end be so different than how I think it’s going to turn out anyway?

God help me.

Amid all these things, we are more than conquerors. [Romans 8:37]

I’m just not sure how much more I can ‘conquer’.

Life is so fleeting. It really is.  I’ve had a lot of time to think about it lately since I have no friends here at my new school.  Ok so I have friends but no close ones and for the most part you can usually find me in the library, sipping coffee and spending quality time with my thoughts and assignments.

I like it here sometimes…I know that it was one of the smartest educational moves I’ve made and I wouldn’t change that.  But there’s something missing.  Great…I sound cliche.  I hate sounding cliche.

Almost everyday I get on facebook and look at photos of my old friends from Michigan.  This is never a good thing.  Usually it just makes me miss them even more than I normally do.

I find myself conflicted.  I am confident that this is where God intended me to be at this time in my life.  I have lots of things going for me right now.   But how can I be happy when the things that mean the most in my life are 6+ hours away?  Friends always have been and always will be the most important things in my life.  Its painful to be separated from them.  When one calls me in tears because she’s having a rough time, I feel 100% helpless.

Things will never be how they were last year or the year before.  Things will never be “normal” again.  We’re all starting to go our separate ways in life.  Part of growing up I suppose.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m insanely happy with life right now.  Mostly because of Jordan.  If not for him, I’m not sure how long my positive outlook would last.

Even now I’m not sure how long it will last.  I’m miserable.

Letter to a Friend.

Perhaps one of the best things I’ve written…

I’ve discovered that one of the best choices I’ve ever made was deciding I didn’t want to fall for someone…now that doesn’t mean I didnt because I’ve fallen for a lot of people since my last breakup. But when [name] and I broke up, so many fears and insecurities surfaced that I know I had to either get rid of or accept before I could ever give my heart to someone again. It was a tough journey and I realized things about myself that I didnt really want to face. I’m an insecure person who is afraid of commitment and making the wrong choices and I DO NOT trust people at all. But over the last year and so many months I learned to accept it. It seemed like the world was crashing in around me when [name] and I broke up…not just because we were done but because something in that relationship and breakup brought all the rest of my breakups and failed relationships to light…but through it all, I knew God was there with me. He was holding my hand, constantly reminding me that that cluster fuck was all happening for a reason. Its not easy, I know…but God never said it would be easy. I do know that someday it will be worth it. Trust me. You’ll look back and see that you are a stronger person because of your broken heart. Now is a chance for you to heal…from everything. All the heartbreaks and disappointments. All you need is God, chocolate, maybe a little ‘grape juice’ and some friends that will NEVER leave you or break your heart. It kills me to see you like this but I KNOW you will get through it. You are a strong Christian woman and even though you are hurting beyond belief right now, you will not be broken. I love you =]

You know…

…for a person who is so curious about people, I’m pretty closed-off.