I have a secret…

…and I’m going to let you in on it.

I’ve been keeping track of how many days that I feel miserable.

Not the days that I’m simply not happy.

These are the days in which I’m completely miserable…like I can’t wait to be alone because then I can finally let go of all the tears that have been building up.

In the last 20 days, there have been 5 of them.

Thats one quarter.

For the last 20 days, I have been absolutely miserable for one fourth of them.

If this keeps going, it means that for one week every month, I’ll feel 100% unhappy.

And those aren’t even the days in between.

So…

Why is God doing this?!  I feel myself constantly trying to figure out where He is trying to lead me.  But I can’t for the life of my figure it out.  I was so sure this summer.  After New York I thought I had it all figured out;  I was going to do nothing but study this year and get straight As.  I was going to apply for every internship I could to get myself back to New York.  It was going to be me and God….I didn’t have to depend on anyone.

That changed.

Now I’m not sure where I’m headed.  I’d still love to go back to NYC but I’m losing faith in my abilities and talent.  School isn’t helping at all.  I’m not in a writing course and my photography courses [although I really enjoy my Problems class] aren’t doing much to propel my career.  I haven’t produced any “good” work.  And even though I knew I would miss Michigan and everyone there, the separation is absolutely killing me.  Killing me.

I’m running out of options.  I’ve hit a dead end.

Is school even worth it?

If I gave up now would the outcome in the end be so different than how I think it’s going to turn out anyway?

God help me.

Amid all these things, we are more than conquerors. [Romans 8:37]

I’m just not sure how much more I can ‘conquer’.

Life is so fleeting. It really is.  I’ve had a lot of time to think about it lately since I have no friends here at my new school.  Ok so I have friends but no close ones and for the most part you can usually find me in the library, sipping coffee and spending quality time with my thoughts and assignments.

I like it here sometimes…I know that it was one of the smartest educational moves I’ve made and I wouldn’t change that.  But there’s something missing.  Great…I sound cliche.  I hate sounding cliche.

Almost everyday I get on facebook and look at photos of my old friends from Michigan.  This is never a good thing.  Usually it just makes me miss them even more than I normally do.

I find myself conflicted.  I am confident that this is where God intended me to be at this time in my life.  I have lots of things going for me right now.   But how can I be happy when the things that mean the most in my life are 6+ hours away?  Friends always have been and always will be the most important things in my life.  Its painful to be separated from them.  When one calls me in tears because she’s having a rough time, I feel 100% helpless.

Things will never be how they were last year or the year before.  Things will never be “normal” again.  We’re all starting to go our separate ways in life.  Part of growing up I suppose.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m insanely happy with life right now.  Mostly because of Jordan.  If not for him, I’m not sure how long my positive outlook would last.

Even now I’m not sure how long it will last.  I’m miserable.

Letter to a Friend.

Perhaps one of the best things I’ve written…

I’ve discovered that one of the best choices I’ve ever made was deciding I didn’t want to fall for someone…now that doesn’t mean I didnt because I’ve fallen for a lot of people since my last breakup. But when [name] and I broke up, so many fears and insecurities surfaced that I know I had to either get rid of or accept before I could ever give my heart to someone again. It was a tough journey and I realized things about myself that I didnt really want to face. I’m an insecure person who is afraid of commitment and making the wrong choices and I DO NOT trust people at all. But over the last year and so many months I learned to accept it. It seemed like the world was crashing in around me when [name] and I broke up…not just because we were done but because something in that relationship and breakup brought all the rest of my breakups and failed relationships to light…but through it all, I knew God was there with me. He was holding my hand, constantly reminding me that that cluster fuck was all happening for a reason. Its not easy, I know…but God never said it would be easy. I do know that someday it will be worth it. Trust me. You’ll look back and see that you are a stronger person because of your broken heart. Now is a chance for you to heal…from everything. All the heartbreaks and disappointments. All you need is God, chocolate, maybe a little ‘grape juice’ and some friends that will NEVER leave you or break your heart. It kills me to see you like this but I KNOW you will get through it. You are a strong Christian woman and even though you are hurting beyond belief right now, you will not be broken. I love you =]

You know…

…for a person who is so curious about people, I’m pretty closed-off.

Place.

My first assignment for “Photographic Problems”…advanced MIAD class.

i just really wanted to remember this quote.

You got it, you got it, some kind of magic. Hypnotic, hypnotic, you’re leaving me breathless.

Chain Reaction

I’ve just really been doing some thinking lately.

About life.

How cliche.

Basically I just love to muse over how little choices can lead to huge changes in life.  And how every choice, when it is combined with every other decision you make, can lead you on a road that would not be possible if you had deviated from one of those choices.  Everything in the past 6 months has led me to where I am now.

Example: 3+ years ago I fell in love with photography which lead me to choose to transfer schools.  But had I not been at my original school, I would not have gotten the opportunity to go to NYC [the single most influential 3 weeks of my life]. 2 years ago I spontaneously tried out for a dance team and fell in love with that which led me to want to try out for my new school’s dance team which caused me to move into school early which led me to meet my roommate early which led me to choose to go to the party she invited me to that night which led me to meet someone that I know will be important to me for a very long time.

I can’t wait to see where the rest of this chain reaction leads me.

My most personal story

[Old Essay From WJI]

Imagine a person you’ve never met. Let’s say she’s a woman. Go ahead…give her any eye color or hairstyle. You can’t pick her name though; you already know that she’s called “Beth”. And that is almost all you know about her. Well, you know that twenty years ago she lived near St. Louis, Missouri with he parents..at least that’s how it was twenty years ago. But that is, in essence, all you know…except for that one tiny lurking detail…

She once held your life in her hands. She contemplated playing God. In fact, she almost killed you. Oh, and the fact that she’s your mother.

There are a few more things you eventually find out about Beth, besides the fact that she considered abortion. You know that when you were conceived, she was eighteen. She was alone in a world that looked down on her for her sins. She was desperate. She was scared. But she was also strong. And in that world that looked down on her, she looked up to a God that she knew would always show her compassion. And with that knowledge, she selflessly gave you life. Looking back you know how different things could have been. If you take things to the extreme, you realize that you would not be alive if it wasn’t for Beth’s strong trust in God’s plan and her intense love for you. She loved you, her daughter, so much that she gave you up so that you could have a life with a family and so that one happy couple could finally have a child.

Beth represents what every woman should aspire to be. No, not a single, helpless mother. But a strong, Christian woman who, when faced with a difficult situation far beyond her years, looks to God and follows His ways, and trusts His plan.

There’s a Really Big Lake in My Way…

This spring I made the choice to transfer schools.  I made one of the smartest education/career moves and choice to attend Concordia Wisconsin because of they’re photography program.  I will be taking photography classes at an outstanding art school in Milwaukee.  It was a hard choice to make but I know I’ve made the right one.

 

I was excited all summer.  Still am. But now that I’m here some of that excitement has been masked by the wave of ‘homesickness’ I’ve developed.  I’m not missing home, persay but every waking minute since I’ve arrived has been spent thinking about how much I want my CUAA friends here. 

 

‘Friend’ is such a vague term.  It doesn’t quite sum up just how important those people are to me.  Joce’s mom put it in better terms when she called Joce and I ’soulmates’.  Who says you can’t have more than one soulmate?  And who says they have to be your lover? [although we all claim each other as 'lovers' =]  The people in our lives are the greatest earthly gift from God.  They strengthen you.  Tear you down when you need it.  Test you.  Shape you. Laugh with you. Cry with you. And love you.  

 

I have found friends at CUAA that cannot be matched.  I miss the bad times, the good times, the times we remember and smile and laugh about…or shake our heads at.  I miss the uncontrollable laughter.  I miss being separated by sidewalks instead of a lake. 

Those “pHoToGrApHeRs” Are Getting on My Nerves.

“Anyone can do it. It’s not that hard”

As a photographer, I have to undergo verbal abuse such as this quite often.  Photography as an art medium tends to be not as respected as painting or sculpture. Photography, now that it has transitioned from film to pixels has become part of the mundane everyday world of Facebook and Myspace wHeRe EvErYoNe TyPeS lIkE tHiS.  Everyone has a camera.  Everyone takes photos.

But not everyone can capture the raw emotion like the superstars of the shutter can.

Please, by all means, feel free to shoot an Ansel Adams quality landscape and then we’ll chat.

 

 

 

 

Want to hear more on this subject? Let me know.